We all love dogs. Canine companions have served as man’s best friend for all recorded history. Tales as old as time tell of owners and their pups getting into crazy adventures and relying on the power of their relationship to overcome obstacles. In a world that has been increasingly lacking connection, more and more people are looking to adopt or buy a four-legged friend, but I had a long day at work at a hard fucking job and I need to get some goddamn sleep.
What if we could create a dog that could maybe close its stupid mouth from the hours of like 10p.m. to 3a.m.? I mean that’s not even a full 8 hours, but if I could at least tap into the meaty part of the REM cycle, it’d make a world of difference. Management has been up my ass and we have more and more clients coming in, and I’ve had to pick up a second job refereeing youth soccer. I don’t understand how to call offside when I’m at 100%, so how about you get a dog that isn’t nocturnal.
Getting a dog that won’t bark at the slightest ruffling of trees could help you in so many ways:
– I’ll stop signing you up for mail-order hardcore gay pornography delivery.
– Maybe your missing lawn gnome (the one with the fishing pole) will come back.
– Seriously if you don’t do this, I’m gonna fucking kill you.
With just a little money into research and development, you could own a dog that isn’t constantly barking during the Adult Swim hours. While obvious surgical options like removing its vocal chords or sewing its mouth closed may seem effective, they also could be perceived as unnecessarily cruel. Other options include a muzzle or maybe professional training, or how about just disciplining your dumbass dog for once in your stupid life?
Though it seems like an insurmountable issue, together ordinarily people like you and I could solve the issue of me being too sleep deprived to perform at a job that I already hate, goddamn it.