Help my neighbors, the Cahill family, buy a new home! They’re not struggling, I just want them to go away. Get them out of this neighborhood. They’re annoying—Mary Ann and Jeff, with their two kids, Dylan and Emily. They’re one of those families that’s just so goddamn perfect. The kind of perfect where you want to smack them all just so they can experience a problem for once in their lives.
They always have to be like, “Did you know that Dylan made the Little League World series?” Lady, I don’t care. I just got laid off from working at Qdoba. QDOBA! I’m having a rough time. The last thing I want to hear is that your 12-year-old is more successful than I’ll ever be. And her daughter, Emily got accepted to Harvard even though she’s only 15. Whatever. I flunked out of Community College. I don’t want to hear that.
They constantly have their little parties out in their giant backyard that they can somehow afford. Mary Ann owns some bakery that got featured on the Food Network, and Jeff is a Teacher that was voted America’s Teacher of the Century or something after he saved seventeen kids from a burning building. It’s disgusting.
They invited me over to their place one time for dinner—because they’re so fucking friendly—and at one point Jeff just gave me $200 unprompted. When I asked why, he was like, “Because money is finite. But seeing someone smile? That’s priceless.” I almost vomited right onto the perfectly-cooked filet mignon Mary Ann made. These people have to go.
With your contribution, we can help move them to a brand-new house—somewhere on the other side of the country—so I’ll never have to hear the Cahill family go “Howdy Neighbor!” at me ever again. Every donation counts.