We all love the underdog, don’t we? We want him to get the win he deserves and to prove everyone else wrong. Well, I’m that underdog for you! I wasn’t one of the popular ones in high school. Unfortunately, my classmates just never gave me a chance to show off my intelligence and astute character.
And so when I was kicked out of the prom for disorderly drunkenness and public urination, I publicly made a vow to my whole class that I would be a millionaire before 40 and show them all up at our 20 year high school reunion! Did they believe me? No! “That’s the thousandth time you’ve said that since sophomore year!” they said. Boy, are they going to be sorry that they doubted me. However, well, the reunion is next week and I’m down a bit from my goal (by one million dollars). So help this underdog out!
Now you might be asking, “Won’t people at the reunion be suspicious or ask how I made the money?” Great question. I could say that I’m some kind of baron now or something. Or maybe that I own an Arby’s. Regardless, when I get out a checkbook and show them the one million dollar balance, they won’t have any choice but to believe me!
If this JumpKick gets overfunded, there are a lot of great stretch goals. Since I’ll need the full million for the checkbook thing, additional money will help me buy some actual new clothes to wear and show off. Then I won’t have to say that I’m one of those millionaires who doesn’t care about his looks. I will also use any additional funds to rent or buy a fancy car so that I can arrive in style versus walking from the bus station. I guess due to the DWI and DUIs I’d need to hire a driver, too.
So I hope that you all have the heart to support this underdog in finally reaching his full potential. That way Stephanie Pitman will finally believe me when I told her that it was an undercover boss situation when she saw me working the counter at Arby’s.
UPDATES:
July 14th 5:29 PM: Sweet, $1,000 is more than I’ve seen in my adult life. This should be more than enough to cover the new clothes and rental car, but we still have ways to go. Please keep donating!
July 16th 10:12 AM: Ah, dudes, like $137 more and all is great, but we need a LOT more donations to get the cool mil. Tell your wealthy friends that are cool or something about this. Tell them that I am hilarious and deserving! You know what they like, tell them whatever that is.
July 17th 12:52 PM: Shit.
July 18th 2:09 PM: I’m sure some of you are holding out on me, but with only one day left, I guess I gotta figure out what I can do with only $1,230. Don’t worry “The Dude abides.” That is the quote I live by.
July 19th 1:44 PM: Good news, friends. Did some scouting at Dollar General and they sell fake money for kids. Like, it isn’t quite the right size and one-sided, but I could probably just flash a fat stack of hundreds real quick and get away with it. Also bought some whip-its to calm my nerves on the big night. Maybe some of them will still be into that and I’ll gain points that way.
July 20th 4:55 PM: Found an old timey briefcase at Goodwill for $20. Bit beat up, but I know that business-types are big on briefcases. An Arby’s owner would have a briefcase, right? Hopefully. The Goodwill said they won’t take returns. Well at least not from me anymore.
July 21st 3:32 PM: Tonight is the night! I decided that I’m gonna do my old high school regime of bud lite, whip-its, and fritos. Gonna be like old times.
July 21st, 10:47PM: Hey guys, using my one call to make this update (don’t ask). It turns out if you burn fake Dollar General money to show how rich you are near an apparently very flammable boa and lots of crepe paper, fire spreads quickly. And Bud Lite doesn’t put it out, or even an apparently very flammable briefcase filled with dairy creamer and cognac. So watch this site for a next JumpKick for bail. But you know what? I had the time of my life. Best 15 minutes of my life. Can’t wait to go to the 25 year reunion!