In hindsight, I don’t think that a communications degree was worth $90,000, weekly migraines, and four-and-a-half years of my life. However, I am now educated enough to clearly communicate how college was a terrible financial decision on my part. I am presently working part time at the Olive Garden in Deptford, NJ to pay off my student debt. Given my current income, expenses, and factoring in a small yearly raise, I will hopefully have this debt paid off when I’m 106 years old. That’s why I’m sending out a plea to help me pay off my debt while I’m still young enough to contribute anything to society, or you could just come to my house and murder me. I don’t really give a shit at this point.

106 years is a long time to live, especially considering my cheap diet of ramen noodles and string cheese for two meals a day. Paying off my student loans would give me the freedom to look for other jobs that pay less per year than most cars cost and have little or no connection to my degree, though it would also be nice to occasionally eat a meal that doesn’t include carcinogens. Contributing money would help me live a life unhindered by my college mistakes, but when considering the years of meaningless work and penny pinching I have ahead of me, possibly until the day I die, it seems much easier for someone to enter through the unlocked backdoor of my house at 5658 Boise Street, Hammonton, New Jersey, between the hours of 5p.m. and 10p.m., and just flat out murder me.

I’m in dire need of help and anything is appreciated. I only hope that one day I can return the favor. Giving me your hard-earned money in such difficult times is an amazing act of kindness and a huge blessing, but perhaps an even greater blessing would be ending this vain existence by taking the 9 mm your dad keeps under his bed, driving to my dimly lit remote neighborhood, coming into my unlocked house and sending me headfirst, willing and eager, into the eternal void where there is final, unending peace. That’s worth well more than $90,000. But again, anything is appreciated. Thanks!