I’m worried. My girlfriend is going away for like, four days. A guy like me who works out three times per month, owns a great collection of Japanese video games, and has a very supportive mother who lives upstairs, is bound to be swarmed by hordes of throbbing women by Friday night. And let me stress: I am a loyal boyfriend, who would never do anything to hurt m’lady.

Preparation is a key tenet of the samurai and I will need to possess all of the noble warrior skills to fight off the drones of horny suitors biding their time for my girlfriend to leave. From my experience speaking to women, even talking to them about the intricacies of Japanese metal smithing can be enough to make them run with fear, so acquiring an authentic blade should be intimidating enough to show these harlots that I am a committed man who is unavailable to the public.

Please, I fear that time and money is running out. The settlement money from that corn chip lawsuit will only last me a bit longer. Otherwise, I would simply venture out on a quest to acquire a suitable blade for protecting my homestead from the many sirens and harpies that seek to infiltrate it’s walls. However alas my gout is acting up, and I rely on you, brave warrior.