I am well aware of my rights as an American citizen. I know for a fact that I am entitled to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. And yet, our country seems to have forgotten that these days. That’s why it’s important that I pay a lawyer $30,000 in legal fees to prove, in a court of law, that adults can too use the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese! It’s not weird.
I know that 30K sounds high, but the lawyer says she can charge what she likes since she’s the only one crazy enough to take my case, and she’s right. I checked with many other lawyers, many of whom just laughed at me. But trust me, it’s worth every penny to strike a blow against the greedy pizza oligarch known as Charles Entertainment Cheese and his army of corrupt, pimple-faced “managers” who are clearly conspiring to enforce this rule across multiple locations!
Despite me repeatedly emailing them a copy of the Declaration of Independence, highlighting wherever it says “unalienable rights”, these corporate cowards continue to enforce the “Children Only” Rule, which is sizeist, ageist, and probably sexist (although my girlfriend refused to help me prove that last one).
I have received half-dozens of emails from supporters who believe in my cause. Their words keep me going while my own family has turned against me, calling me a “manchild” or telling me to “just go to Dave & Busters,” despite me REPEATEDLY telling them that Dave & Busters does not have a ball pit.
I had never thought of myself as a fighter, but now I see that this is why God put me on this green earth—to make sure that every adult in the U.S.A. can submerge themselves in a ball pit while enjoying an order of Unicorn Churros dipped in Cheese Sauce. It is a freedom that I genuinely believe the Founding Fathers would have supported.
If you believe in a truly free America, please donate to this campaign today and help me prove to those corporate bastards that an adult man jumping in the Chuck E’ Cheese ball pit is 100% legal.