My dad is a world-class jerk. My entire life, he wanted me to be a big tough guy like him and his friends. The day that I told him I didn’t want to play baseball anymore was the last day that he looked at me in the eye. Growing up, he’d call me a wuss, a pansy, and a chump. Although I’m now a grown, accomplished man who lays down the law to my Best Buy trainees daily, I’m still too terrified to confront him for some reason. I can’t spend my entire life afraid of a guy who thinks it’s okay to post in all caps on Facebook! After all of these years, I’m finally going to confront him! But I also need a big ass gorilla to stand behind me while I do it.
You read it right. I’m getting a damn silverback gorilla to confront my dad. Have you seen these things? They’re goddamn tanks. There’s no way my dad won’t drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness. Hey dad, remember when you said that Ronnie’s son works on cars and I don’t? Well, does Ronnie’s son have 800 pounds of pure unbridled chest-pounding rage walking beside him on a leash? I don’t think so.
The only problem is, gorillas aren’t cheap. My drug dealer introduced me to a sweet underground exotic animal dealer, and it turns out that I can score a baby gorilla for around $40,000, and that’s great. But I want this done on Thanksgiving, so I’m going to need to get an adult. That’s going to run about $200,000. Plus he’s getting it from some terrible third world zoo, so it’s already mean as fuck. Let’s see how much dad wants to make me watch the sportsball game with him now that I have King Kong sitting next to me. Fucking asshole.
I also need a cage, a lot of gorilla food (I think a bunch of bananas?), some tranquilizer darts, some nice toys for him to play with and stuff to climb on, plus two different Uber rides to my parents’ house on Thanksgiving. So that’s gonna be at least another $50,000. If I have to hear my dad call me a wuss for choosing the clarinet over baseball in the 5th grade one more time, I’m going to completely lose it. This is the only feasible way to make that bully realize that although I may knit instead of playing pool, I’m still a damn man. And this gigantic creature will tear this fucking house apart to prove it to you.
Please donate because if I don’t put that damn asshole in his place he’s going to try to make me go fishing again. Fuck that guy.