Three years ago, my father lost his battle against alcoholism at the age of 58. We had a tumultuous relationship to put it politely, and I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on how it has shaped my own life. I’m almost 30 now and I’m divorced, can barely hold a job, have little to no self-esteem, and I’ve been in AA for six months.
Yesterday at Alcanon we were talking about how we can reconcile with our past in order to move on with our lives, and I thought about what I would say to my dad if I could speak to him again. That’s when it hit me:
I’m going to build a ladder to heaven to tell him, in person, that he’s the biggest fucking cocksucker who ever lived. And I need your help!
You remember that “Ladder to Heaven” song, right? In the wake of 9/11 it seemed like a cynical, manipulative cash grab. But maybe Alan Jackson was onto something and we can actually BUILD a ladder so high it can reach the heavens and I can call out my dad for missing all those little league games because he was too busy getting hammered at the bar. Anyway, the guy at Home Depot said I’ll need about $200,000 worth of wood, $150,000 nails, and two hammers. Plus the moving van I need to haul the materials to a large enough field to build the dang thing, it’s gonna cost a little north of a cool million.
UPDATES:
November 8th 12:11 PM: $100! One day in and we’re on our way. I can’t wait to see the look on my old man’s face when I burst through the pearly gates, middle fingers raised.
November 10th 2:49 PM: Only $150? O.K., so we’ve lost some steam here. I’ve heard a lot of you saying that this isn’t feasible or that the ladder is just an allegory or whatever but we’ll never know until we build the damn thing, right
November 13th 9:43 AM: Alright, well there’s only three days to go, and with only $250 raised, people clearly do not understand how serious I am. Perhaps you weren’t paying attention when I told you my life is in shambles and I’m unemployable because my father never once said “I love you”. We’re talking about my entire life here. Isn’t that something worth donating to? Even if this made say, $500k, we’d be on the local news as the feel-good-story closing story, next thing you know this’ll be trending on Reddit and we’ll be in ladder city.
November 14th: 11:13 AM: I’m not drunk you’reeeeee drunk
November 15th 7:45 PM: Wow guys. Wow. Here I am simply asking to achieve closure with my father AND punch God right in the puss for creating such a horrible human being, and no one is interested to see if this’ll work out? I had to turn in my six month AA chip over this dammit.
Oh well. I guess I’ll just go to church and tell my old man to go fuck himself from the pews. Maybe if I say it really loudly, he’ll hear me.
I will find a dead relative of your choosing and tell them to go fuck themselves or say hello.
Previous tier, plus I will ask said relative if they have any secret money or valuables they left behind. If said belongings require puzzles or maps to access, it’ll be extra.
I will get you any dead celebrity autograph of your choosing, even if you weren’t born when they were alive. How cool would it be to get Harry Houdini’s autograph?
I will literally punch God square in the face.