I’ve spent the last 39 years of my life feeling like a loser, but thats all about to change if you can help me get a few snakes so I can become a full-fledged snake guy. I really hate to ask for help like this but I’m about to turn 40 and I’ve never done anything that really defines me as a person. I just know that having a bunch of snakes would turn it all around for me.
Snake ownership is a lifelong dream of mine and with your help we can make this a reality. Think about it, I can keep them as pets, show them off, take sick pictures of them and breed them (I think?) Actually, yeah, how do snakes have sex? I will know all of that and more soon enough when I become a snake guy.
Snakes will not only make me way cooler but once I have them, they are low-cost companions. I think? It can’t be that expensive to buy a few exotic snakes, right? Plus, I found a lightbulb around the house so I can probably just use that for the cage. Point is, I won’t be coming around asking like this for money. Don’t you keep them in rubbermaid containers? ‘Cause I already have plenty of damaged Hefty’s that’ll be great for them. And it’s not like you have to take them to the vet or buy them special food or anything, just feed them some dead rats and I’m already trying to get rid of all the rats here anyway.
Speaking of which, itll be great for my sex life. I mean, what woman doesn’t want to get into bed with a snake guy? I’ll pick up women with ease just offering to take them home to meet my snakes–they exude sex appeal! Not to mention the endless possibilities for double entendres.
So help me slither into the world of snake ownership, give my life a purpose and maybe mysemi-estranged son will actually enjoy his one weekend per month with me.