It is a tale as old as time. I was minding my own business when an anonymous woman of consenting age started sending me messages on Instagram. This supposed female identified herself as Jane, a single-mother living in the same zip code as myself and, due to a series of unfortunate events in her life, she found herself without male companionship.
One thing leads to another and, after she sent me a series of very lewd messages and photographs, I entreated her to a photograph of myself also in flagrante, as they say. Well, it turns out that Jane wasn’t Jane at all. It was just some punk kid who now knew my full name, where I lived, where I worked, and had pictures of me completely naked. Worst of all, this devious adolescent wants $500 or they are going to “leak” these photos to my loved ones and co-workers.
Now, I am not ashamed of my body and believe that the human form is beautiful in all shapes and sizes. But I don’t think that my mother would like to see a video of me singing The Pussycat Dolls’ hit song “Don’t Cha” with my phallus tucked between my legs. Something “Jane” requested of me that I, begrudgingly, acquiesced.
That is why I am asking you, the anonymous members of the internet, to please help me in my time of need. My clients should not have to know what my taint looks like. I do not want to abide by this terrorist, but he has left me with little choice. The other option is to lean into it and post the photos myself so they have no bargaining power. I just don’t know how I would explain the photo of me and the leaf blower.
I would pay for it myself but I am finding myself a little tight on cash since that Nigerian bank account fiasco from last month.