URGENT! I am all for the short king revolution, but it’s come at a major cost: I need spinal surgery from constantly hunching next to my tiny widdle boyfriend!

I’m a hunch pro. When you look at pictures of us, you’d never be able to tell that I am two inches taller than my sweet lil’ shorty. I’ve perfected craning my back and crossing my legs, which lowers me enough to create the illusion that we’re the same height. However, after four years of this laborious foolery, my spine is utterly botched.

According to the doctors, they’ve never seen a spine so twisted from strategic leaning! It’s going to take thousands of dollars to get me vertical again. Don’t get me wrong, short is sexy. Tons of celebrities have short lovers! Gigi Hadid, Cameron Diaz, Tina Fey… the list goes on. But did you know that these badass babes all had spinal surgery to help with the hunching? I’m pretty sure that’s true. There’s simply no way around it!

So, I am begging you to donate. I adore my 5’6 Napoleon prince, just not in photos, in public, or any time we are standing. The hunching is endless! Please, from the goodness of your heart, cash me a couple Gs so I can continue this ceaseless slouch-a-thon!