My name is Jayden, and the majestically-bearded creature you see in the picture before you is my Closest Comrade and Total Alpha, Connor. Connor is embarking on a noble quest to start his own brewery, and he humbly requested I lend my sword as his social media manager and marketing guru! We need a mere $100,000 in start up costs, which we were within a hop’s breadth of achieving until a small (but influential) brigade of “woke” crybabies declared an Unholy Cancel Crusade against Connor for the hundreds of superfluous, well-intentioned posts he made on r/MensRights.
Connor is clearly a devoted person, and you should focus on his experience brewing rather than relentlessly critique his posts about Meninism. Rather, you should think about how he combines a boundless, aching passion for brewing beer with decades of experience at a multiplicity of other breweries. Plus, not that I checked or anything, but if I had to hazard a guess, he’s likely only been posting sympathetic, if a tad overzealous rants about (frankly unfair) child support for a mere three years, two months and 181 days!
But never mind that! Connor’s brewing style takes a love of futurist experimentation and roots it in a healthy respect for classical brewing tradition. Connor is at home crafting a simple pale ale, a zesty saison, or an aromatic sour! And yes, I am aware that he posted “Only total manginas drink fruit flavored beer” last month, but that quote is taken out of context. Please stop posting screencaps of it to our Facebook page! His mom can see those.
I would stake my entire reputation as a marketing guru on Connor’s beer, and I know that the second his home-crafted libations pass your lips, you’ll clamor for more—that’s why if you fund us, you’ll get perks like Grand Opening Gala Tickets, First Tastes of Small Batch Exclusives, and an all-access tour of the brewing facilities from Connor himself! When you’re marveling at all of the beer that he’s brewed, you’ll easily be able to tune out him rambling about Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life”. By donating, you will have access to all of these perks—as long as you swear to never, ever, ever confront him about the post where he wrote “99.9% of females are functionally useless & the other 0.1% are related to me, lol!”