My name’s Tiffany Anderson, soon-to-be Mrs. Tiffany Anderson-Blake! I am SO blessed to be engaged to my high school sweetheart, Derek! Derek and I first got together at age 15 when we made out in our friend Jake’s backyard at his parents’ 4th of July BBQ. Derek is the man of my dreams: beautiful, athletic, tall, and generally faithful. Most girls I know date cheating assholes, but Derek’s only cheated on me twice and one of the times was in college and we were long-distance before I transferred and he was drunk and he thought that me hanging up on him meant that I wanted to break up so it’s fine.
I need to make this a day that Derek will remember whenever he’s away from me for long weekends on his business trips, but weddings can run upwards of $50,000! We need a great photographer to take pictures that will last a lifetime (and will also hopefully get all of those bitches out of his DMs). Hiring a good DJ to play our song (“Love Story” by Taylor Swift) will cost up to $1,500. We need to get a famous, expensive cake artist who will make the figurine of me on the wedding cake look thin and hot so that Derek won’t look at anyone else (shouldn’t be a problem though, because the girl who he cheated on me with totally tricked him into it and also is NOT on the guest list). Derek’s family is traditional so they insist that my family pays for it. Unfortunately, my family is still strapped from my dog’s foot surgery, but the future in-laws won’t budge (gotta love ‘em)! Derek said that’s just how they are, so he doesn’t see a point in trying to convince them to chip in a bit. We both just finished grad school, so we don’t have too much in our personal savings yet, which is why we’ve come to JumpKick.
Our love story truly is like no other. We’ve been together for an entire DECADE, with only a few minor hiccups, like when we broke up and I found out about Rebecca, or like the time he forgot that I was in the bathroom and left the concert with our group. No relationship is perfect, and it says a lot that we’ve chosen to stay together after all that we’ve been through together. From the day he snapped my bra strap in Spanish class to the day he proposed, Derek always keeps me on edge for more. I kept on nagging him about when he was going to propose, so he surprised me by popping the question on New Year’s… RIGHT before the Ball Dropped! The creative presentation shows just how thoughtful he is, even though he didn’t have a ring yet (he’s working on it). Whether Derek and I ride into the sunset and live our happily ever after or not all depends on your donation.
UPDATES:
August 19th 5:22 PM: I bought my dream dress! But Derek’s mom said that it made me look fat, so I returned it. She kept passively bringing up that I should just wear hers, and was all mopey about never having a daughter, so that’s like a thing now I guess? Either way, by wearing her dress, we got to save an entire 3K. Hopefully it’ll be able to fix the whole thing with the wedding band…
August 20th 8:54 PM: So we put down on a 3K deposit on this cool jazz-pop fusion band and then things got awkward because apparently Derek hooked up with the drummer’s girlfriends at a bar last May. We’ve haven’t broken up in 3 years.
August 21st 10:43 AM: Every relationship has its ups and downs, but Derek and I always manage to come out stronger from it! Turns out he didn’t even really remember it happening and he blacked out that night. It made me hold off on plans to talk to the cake artist, so we lost out on a good deal, so it’s going to be a bit more than we anticipated.
August 25th 12:05 PM: I saw that Derek liked the drummer’s girlfriend’s thirst trap on Instagram. I went through his phone and it turns out, he’s been DMing her heart emojis to her selfies. I think I’m going to hold off on watching these band audition tapes for a few days and maybe re-download Tinder.
August 29th 11:33 AM: I told Derek’s mom that I didn’t want to wear the dress and she flipped. Either way, I want to look HOT on my wedding day, not like… Derek’s mom. Plus, I think that he was conceived in that dress which is weird. So we are down in funds now a bit. I should probably also buy her some flowers to apologize. Derek’s not answering his phone so I can’t even ask him how to deal with her when she ices you out.
September 2nd 3:42 PM: Okay, the wedding’s off. Derek wasn’t answering his phone for days. I get a message from the drummer, saying that he caught Derek and his girlfriend in bed together! I’m heart broken, and it doesn’t seem like crying on the phone is getting me any of my deposits back. Sorry to disappoint all my lovely backers. Maybe, he’ll come back and apologize again so that we’ll finally get married after all…