Don’t get me wrong, I love grandma, but I don’t believe anyone would disagree with me when I say that I think that we can do better. At age 82, grandma spends most of her days knitting and baking cookies. This is acceptable, but one can’t help but wonder what else is possible. It’s time that we finally made grandma more powerful. To do this, I will need about $100,000,000.
This is no small amount, but trust me when I say that there is much work to be done. Currently grandma is 115 lbs and walks with a cane. This is unacceptable, especially considering that she has no internal weapon systems. I suggest that we start by replacing grandma’s legs and torso with an M1A1 Abrams Tank. This will provide grandma with greater mobility and firepower. It will cost $50,000,000.
While grandma’s snickerdoodles are delicious, they do nothing to compensate for her limited anti-air defense capabilities. This is a much simpler fix than it may sound, as all we need to do is outfit grandma with a pair of surface-to-air missile launcher pods (these go for $10,000,000 each commercially, but I can get them for less from [REDACTED]).
Speaking of missiles, it wouldn’t hurt to arm grandma with a Tomahawk Land Attack Missile while we’re at it. My eastern european Mahjong buddies can get me one for $30,000,000. Once these weapon systems are installed, grandma will no longer need to worry about enemy strafing runs while trying to log into her email.
Now I know what you’re thinking; “What if an enemy combatant were to engage grandma at close range?” There are a lot of options, but I think the most natural fit would be a short range disintegration beam cannon ($5,000,000). This weapon can easily dissolve human tissue, and can also help grandma more efficiently warm up leftover quiche. Some Krav Maga lessons could also help ($50/per lesson).
It’s important to remember that these are just my initial plans for making grandma more powerful. She really isn’t giving us a lot to work with here, so any improvement is a good improvement. If you wish to donate, please leave the full amount in an unmarked bag near the entrance of the McLean county landfill. Doing it through here will only attract the feds again.
UPDATES:
Ladies and gentlemen, we did it. Grandma is more powerful. First, I would like to extend my gratitude to the anonymous benefactor who followed my precise donation instructions. They even took the extra step of filling the bag with untraceable gold ingots. This level of dedication to grandma is heartwarming to say the least. The rest of you should take note. The result of grandma becoming more powerful has been life-changing…
The funding allowed me to make all of the improvements described in my initial fundraiser. All of the described weapon systems were purchased and installed with ease. Grandma, whose defensive capabilities were once laughable, is now a 30 foot tall, 97 ton monstrosity. Grandma’s new tank body, missile systems, disintegration beam cannon and mastery of Krav Maga have turned her into an unmatched force in nearly every type of combat scenario. And she still makes a mean snickerdoodle too.
Early field tests of Grandma were very promising. She was able to bring the entire Romanian military to its knees with just a few short hours. It was glorious. Grandma shot down helicopters, melted tanks and crushed enemy infantry under her massive treads, all while simultaneously knitting me a turtleneck sweater.
But, as I always say, I know that we could do better. The project came under budget by $[REDACTED], which, coupled with the resources gained from my conquest of Romania, allows to make further improvements to grandma. For legal reasons I won’t disclose what I have planned for grandma, but I can assure you that it will be glorious.
Now that grandma is more than capable of defending herself from any threat, I have decided that it’s time to go on the offensive. No longer will grandma have to live in the shadow of our inept leaders, or have to wait for a new season of ‘Monk’ to be released. Now is the time for action. Now is the time for grandma.
Photo Credit: Alison O’Neil
@alisonOHneil