Ahoy, maties! I fucking hate working at Lowe’s, so It’s time for a career change. My heart yearns for adventure on the high seas, so I’ve decided that from now on I want to dedicate my life to being a pirate. I’m talking pirate ships, cannonballs, peg legs; the works. Today Steve Johnson is no more. You must all now refer to me as Captain Bloodfist!
To successfully make the transition into a life of pillaginging and plunder, I’m going to need about $70,000, preferably in the form of gold, Spanish doubloons. This will allow me to make a down payment on a mighty sea vessel and a hearty pirate crew. I will also need the money to saw off my leg and gouge one of my eyes out so that I can get an eyepatch and peg leg.
Once the startup costs have been settled, my pirate crew and I will be totally self-sufficient as we scour the seven seas for booty. And by booty I mean treasure. I’m going to be a pirate, not a pervert.
The only issue I foresee really is the legality of the whole thing. Forcing scallywags to walk the plank and fall into the icy waters may be fun but it’s also very, very illegal. I don’t mind breaking the law at all (it’s part of the pirate code!), but I am a little worried about getting on the wrong side of the feds. They have guns, and all we’re going to have are some swords and a parrot.
That’s a risk I’m willing to take though since a pirate’s life is filled with danger at every turn! Besides, no cop has the gusto to stand up to Captain Bloodfist, terror of the carribean, and his crew of marauders and cut-throats. But even if they do, going down with my ship is still better than fucking retail.
So donate to me and let’s set sail, lest ye be a filthy landlubber!