Fuck, I Need One Million PS5’s by Christmas Eve

Hello everyone! Christmas time is here again, and my elves have been working around the clock all year to make gifts for the good little girls and boys. It’s been a rough year, so I wanted to make sure that everyone on the Nice List gets exactly what they asked for. Frankly, it was going smoothly until a few weeks ago when the goddamn PlayStation 5 sold out in two seconds.

Where in the ever loving fuck am I going to find one million PS5’s?

I can’t get a direct line to Sony anymore, and I sure as shit can’t build these consoles in my workshop. Between the cost and the fact that my elves are only trained to make wooden toys (I refuse to stray from the classics), it’s always been protocol to source gaming consoles straight from the manufacturer. 

So now that a majority of the consoles were snatched up by a handful of heartless scalpers, I need some capital to pay their ransom. It’ll be as cold as the North Pole in Hell before I let anyone on the Nice List get shafted by some soulless grifters. Help Santa save Christmas by donating to this campaign!

UPDATES:

December 10th 10:45 AM: Ho ho holy shit people! We’re well on our way. Really scrounging eBay for accounts offering free shipping on consoles, so we’re crossing our fingers we can snag them from legit sellers, scum of the earth they may be.

December 15th 3:22 PM: Almost halfway there! Remember, the closer we get to our goal the closer an underprivileged child gets to experience the magic of Christmas and instant load times. 

December 21st 7:31 PM: Gah we are so close! I’ve had my elves procure Walmart’s entire stock of Spider-Man: Miles Morales ahead of meeting our goal. Also, for those of you who went with the Santa’s Helper Tier: my wife’s cookies are not gluten free, so stop asking. There was no such thing as a “gluten allergy” when I started this business and I’ll be damned if we’re going to switch up the recipe. 

December 22nd 11:58 PM: Wow! We’re just $17 dollars away from reaching our goal and securing the funds from JumpKick. I’d throw in the last few dollars, but delivering toys around the world is strictly non-profit (There’s legal and tax reasons why I can’t dip into my personal funds. Just don’t ask). We just need that final push so we can buy the last PS5 we need from Craigslist user _pussyslayer69_ to fulfill this one last Christmas wish! I know we can do this!

December 23rd 11:34 AM: We’ve reached the goal! Goddamn that was close. I mean talk about down to the wire, I nearly shit my boots. The PlayStations have been procured, so here’s to hoping they are not just empty boxes, or filled with used car parts. Merry Christmas to all, except those goddamn sellers who keep fucking up our shipping address. Seriously, how hard is it to send to “Kris N. Kringle, Santas’ Workshop, North Pole, Arctic Circle 00002”.