Frankie Muniz Condoms so That Malcolm Can Truly Be in the Middle

The past couple of months have been rough on all of us. Lately I’ve been binge watching the hit sitcom from the early 2000s, Malcolm in The Middle, starring the incomparable Frankie Muniz. While people everywhere are reassessing what’s really important to them and what they’re doing with their lives, I’m comforted by the onscreen hijinks of Malcolm and his family. I was on my fourth run of watching the entire series all the way through when a brilliant idea hit me: a condom, but with Frankie Muniz’ face on it. And that’s why I’m here today to ask for your help funding the first ever Frankie Muniz condoms, Malcondoms, so that Malcolm can truly be in the middle.

I’ve pitched this idea to a few friends, family members, and financial advisers and they all say the same things: “What?”, “Who?”, and “You’re insane!” And every single time I just look at the people who don’t believe in me right in the eyes and say back to them: “You’re not the boss of me now”.

The cost of this endeavor is a mighty one, so we want to be upfront with our supporters about exactly what their money is going to. Our Malcondoms will be done right every step of the way. We will begin by having a photoshoot with the man himself. Mr. Muniz will be striking different poses for each size of the condoms. The condoms will come in all sizes, like the small-to-medium sized “you’re not so big”, the extra-small “life is unfair”, and the “Mega Muniz”—I think you all know what size that one fits. Once the photos are printed onto the condoms using high-precision techniques that Trojan can only dream of, they will be packaged in boxes of five, to represent the five sons, of which the titular Malcolm is in the middle.

My hope is that Malcolm in the Middle fans everywhere will help to make my goal a reality. Don’t pass up the nostalgic opportunity to see (an ADULT) Frankie Muniz’ smiling face every time before you stick it in. Pledge your support now!