Are you a new mother? Does your father own a valueless pile of dry straw? Do you have a dumb baby just lying around, bringing absolutely nothing to the table? Would you rather have piles of gold, no straw, and no dumb useless baby? Well then, have I got an offer for YOU!
Hi, I’m “Mister R”! And that’s right: for the limited time offer of 1 first-born baby child as payment, this brilliant businessman will take your dusty old pile of worthless straw nobody will ever want and TRANSFORM it (before your eyes) into solid gold!
I don’t need to tell you that gold is valuable. Straw? Nada. Baby? Pointless, I hate it. But using my super-secret imp magic, I can take that first-born flesh turd it took you 9 months to crap out your uterus and give gleaming gold in return! Not your second-born, not your third-born! It’s gotta be the first-born child!
*Quick Legal Aside: I am contractually obligated by magic (and my lawyers) to disclose that if you at any point manage to guess my real name, all agreements are null and void. You get your stupid baby back. You’ll never guess it though! And you won’t *want* to guess it, because you will have lots of gold and no baby!
And it has to be a baby. I don’t want some snot-nosed 8-year-old kid “first-born child” getting their boogers all over my magic imp scrolls. I have a dating life outside my career. Any interested, impoverished, single(?) moms can email [email protected] for more information!