Isn’t celery the best? It’s crunchy, it’s healthy, and delicious. Plus, you can do so much with it! Dip it in hummus? Oh yeah! Ants on a long? Bow-chicka bow bow! It’s nature’s gracious gift. Of course, if you’re like me, there’s nothing more infuriating than coming home after a long day at work to enjoy a nice stalk of celery when your mother-in-law starts with her nagging!
Is it so much to ask to enjoy a nice celery meal in my favorite chair for an hour with no interruptions? So, I asked myself, what would Jesus do in this situation? Murder was out of the question, and plus the missus would start nagging me herself with questions about where her mom disappeared to. So how would I be able to enjoy my celery then?
Then it hit me! Build a new, better celery.
What’s the best part of celery? Okay, that’s like asking me to pick my favorite child, but we can all agree that crunch is up there. So like our Lord and Savior, I decided to head down to my carpentry shed to create a celery with a crunch so loud even my mother-in-law’s incessant comments about my balding couldn’t top it.
Only thing is, this is going to apparently go beyond mere carpentry and gardening. When I told the produce guy at the Stop & Shop about it, he stared at me and said something about genetic engineering, so now I have to hire one of those and they’re expensive.
Thankfully, I found a nice young man who says he took a botany class in college and above was the price he quoted me. Let’s do our part to make celery even better and save our ears from snide mother-in-law comments everywhere!