Has this ever happened to you? You go to a funeral home to get a nice casket only to find out those cheapskate businesses provided no dead body inside! Then, to make things even worse, they don’t even provide corpses at the funeral home! The clerk at the counter tells me that you have to provide your own. Oftentimes after a shopping spree, I find myself going from kiosk to kiosk at the mall seeing if they have cadavers, which none of them do of course. It usually results in me having to make my own dead body from scratch, and if I’m doing that, why don’t I just make the coffin from scratch too?
I hate it when this happens, and I know you do too. It’s like buying a toy without batteries. Coffins have a million uses such as lawn furniture, gifts for friends, or just the thrill of collecting. Without the dead body inside however, the item is practically useless. That’s why I decided to finally do something about it and fill in the niche that I know the market is missing. At my new emporium, you’ll finally be able to buy yourself a coffin already pre-packaged with a deceased individual inside! No hassle, no mess!
With your investment, this start-up can get lifted off the ground into something truly amazing. Coffins and bodies don’t come cheap, so if this company is to do things right, we’ll need all the money we can to ensure customer satisfaction. I want to be able to provide a wide assortment of coffins and corpses so that everyone can have the most customizable options for their specific needs. We’ll also be needing money to cover the lease for renting the space at the mall. Right now, I’m looking at a prime location between the TGI Friday’s and Baby Gap.
So contribute today if you’re tired of buying boring, empty, lifeless coffins without a lifeless body to fill it. All those who donate $100 or more will receive a free extra corpse with their first purchase! We’ll even let you pick out the body like a lobster in a restaurant!
Photo Credit: Brandon Puff
https://twitter.com/SmoopieDooopie