So I’m up late last night chatting with friends and BAM, it hits me! I’m about to shit my pants! While I was sitting in the bathroom, I had some time to think. In that moment I had a realization: if the cocaine we’d all been snorting was cut with vitamins instead of baby laxatives, I could spend less time on the bowl and more time throwing around business ideas with the boys, all while giving my body the essential nutrients it needs!
We’re thinking of a holistic mix of organic compounds such as L-theanine, Alpha GPC, and 5-HTP alongside some straight-up, pure Colombian snow. You may be thinking to yourself, “I’ve never heard of any of those vitamins”. Well they’re called nootropics, and they’re vitamins for your brain, dumbass. The reason that you’ve never heard of them is because the federal government doesn’t acknowledge their cognitive enhancing abilities. The same way they do with cocaine, duh. Meanwhile, if cocaine wasn’t good for your brain, we wouldn’t even be here pitching this idea to JumpKick. So what the fuck do the feds know anyway?
If you don’t believe me, just ask Joe Rogan. He swears by this shit. Not coke, noots (I call ’em noots for short ‘cause it’s faster that way). So boom: Noot and Toots baby! Let’s go!
Also, we’ll do like a sort of Pedialyte type of electrolyte shit in another skew at some point because stupid Jesse said that would be a better idea since it would help with hangovers or whatever. Jesse’s our CFO by the way. Huge health nut.
So if you care about our campaign, donate 80 for a gram, 350 for a ball, or 1500 for an OZ and someone’ll be there at your place in like 20 minutes or whatever. If he’s late, just text him every 5 minutes until he gets there.