This past Wednesday riotous Trump supporters stormed the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. and left wanton destruction in their wake. One of their victims was “Bill”, a rolled up piece of potential legislation awaiting passage on the Capitol steps. He was trampled in the riots and was swiftly ushered to a local hospital where he has sustained traumatic injuries that now threaten his life.
Bill was an innocent bystander who had heinous violence committed against him and his genitals. We ask that you assist in covering his medical expenses to ensure that Bill is able to get back up on his tiny, paper feet as soon as possible—and also reclaim possession of his genitals. Bill is a brave soul, a virile father of nine, and an attentive lover of this great nation of ours. We were able to get a quote from Bill during the brief window where he was still conscious: “I’m just a bill. But with the help of JumpKick and a newly invented medical device that the doctors say can reattach my severed testicles, I can one day become a law.”
The law Bill hopes to pass is one where residents of Florida would be allowed to trample any trespassers on private property, and claim ownership of the trespasser’s genitalia should said genitalia sever from their body.