I’d like to start this campaign with some guided imagery: you’re having a blast at the surprise birthday party that you threw for your roommate. The crowd is mingling and the vibes are just right. That is, until a John Mayer-Aaron Maine hybrid wannabe in a v-neck picks up your acoustic guitar without permission and starts strumming away.
We’ve all been there. But with enough funding, we never have to go there again.
Introducing the Shockoustic® Guitar, the world’s first acoustic guitar designed to deliver an electric shock to any unauthorized musician who attempts to pick it up. With Shockoustic’s patented electrotherapeutic technology integrated into the instrument’s maplewood neck, this acoustic guitar can recognize the palmprint of its owner and approved individuals, and deliver a painful, but nonlethal, electric shock to unrecognized attention-seeking douchebags. It’s kind of like James Bond’s palmprint-authorized gun in Skyfall, but combined with a shock dog collar and way, way more practical.
With the Shockoustic®, gone are the days where you have to hide your guitar in the laundry room or remove the strings before a social gathering where untalented men roam in search of a social crutch or ego boost. Parties will be uninterrupted by their unsolicited Chris Cornell imitations. Vibes will remain intact. And, worst case scenario, if the Shockoustic® malfunctions in some way that we are legally not liable whatsoever for and a sadboi ends up slightly more brain dead than he was when he thought it was okay to play your guitar at your party without your permission, it’s not much of a loss anyway.
As they say, necessity is the mother of invention. To that end, quite honestly, I can’t believe I was the first one to think of this. Because, at the end of the day, the Shockoustic® offers more than just an instrument that zaps annoying dudes. The Shockoustic® offers both peace of mind and the incredible satisfaction of watching your ex-boyfriend recoil in pain when he touches your shit without asking first.