Picture this: it’s mid-January, you make a dentist appointment for next month, you go to the fridge to write it on the calendar, and what does the calendar say? “December”, because you forgot to buy a new one. Oh great, so now what? Rush to the mall so you can buy a twelve-month calendar which has three weeks worth of days you’ll never use? Of course not. Those empty squares that compile the first two thirds of January will serve as a reminder of your incompetence. And that is NOT the energy you want to bring into this new year.
Introducing Alendars, the perfect eleven-month calendar for people who forgot to get one last year. We’re tired of January ripping us off, so we finally ripped January off. Alendars are perfect for people who have already messed up on their New Year’s resolutions. Planned on giving up fast food but stopped at McDonald’s three times this week? Start it in February! January doesn’t even count anyway. New Year’s resolutions should begin whenever you want them to.
Alendars will come in all sorts of themes such as puppies, kittens, firefighters, firefighting puppies, the 1995-1996 Chicago Bulls, and of course, birds of the world. Alendars are also an environmentally friendly alternative to a standard 12-month calendar. One less month to be printed means less paper used in the printing process, so by putting off getting your shit together in the beginning of the year, you’re helping all of us save the planet.
Join me in saying fuck January and help fund the Alendar today! Any donor who contributes $15 or more receives their very own Alendar that will probably be shipped to them before February.
Also available in a version that doesn’t label Valentine’s Day.