I really need help here and I’ve probably only got an hour until this whopping bill comes out. My lying friends said we’d be going to a “burger place” for lunch, but they didn’t think to tell me that it was one of those places that has the nerve to serve their food on huge wooden boards. They’re all business bros and lawyers, so they can afford this shit. And I’m a copyeditor; do you really think I can afford to eat at a place that serves something called a “Portobello Cap Bleu Bison Burger”? My paycheck doesn’t come in until Thursday and I was not prepared for this.
When the waitress said that they only have pickled onions instead of raw for some godforsaken reason, I knew that I was fucked. And of course, I offered to pay for the fries before I saw that they were $14 fucking dollars. What is this place? It’s a goddamn BURGER restaurant and yet almost every thing on the menu was vegan and “GF”, whatever that means. At least the sounds of the antique rusted bar stools scraping against the floor are distracting me from thoughts of how broke I am.
The waitress looked like a bird with a broken arm when she carried over our appetizers on the probably $500 slabs of wood. I ordered a “regular” burger—as regular as you can get at a place like this—and it was already over $25 because they charged me for fucking LETTUCE! Plus, my rich ass friends are insisting that we split a $17 S’mores shake! Please help! I need to pay my credit card bill tomorrow and don’t get me started on the drinks that my girlfriends made me get with them from that rooftop craft beer bar last week.