I can’t be the only person who gets pissed off watching Home Alone because the burglars somehow survived all of the shit that Kevin McAllister put them through. I mean, I know that it’s a kid’s film, but it’s just unrealistic that they wouldn’t die a violent, painful death. I love Joe Pesci as much as the next guy, but I would have liked to see him at least go into a coma after he slipped on the stairs and hit his head on the concrete. That’s why I’m trying to produce a Home Alone remake—excessive gore and all—where the burglars die like they motherfucking should have. And while I’m at it, maybe I’ll throw in a scene where child protective services take the McAllister’s kids away from them as their mother screams in hellish terror.
The classic film has all the makings of a horror if you think about it, other than the improbable lack of two gorey deaths. We already got the kid at home by himself, Kevin’s famous screaming face, and Buzz’s girlfriend (woof!) The burglars would die such graphic deaths that Kevin would be “not afraid anymore!” for the rest of his life.
I’m not a fan of replacing Kevin with some lame ass kid who isn’t nearly as cute, so I’m gonna have to pay Macaulay Culkin to be in this thing. But now that I think about it, I’m also going to have to pay Disney+ for the rights since they’re doing a revival of it or whatever. Admittedly, it would be a pretty short film as the burglars would be dead as soon as they fall victim to Kevin’s first booby trap (presumably when he hits them with full cans of paint). But the money for casting, makeup (we’re going to need a very talented special effects makeup team), stunt doubles, and overall production costs are outstanding.
If you’re like me and value realism, please donate to this Home Alone remake where the burglars get slaughtered from Kevin’s various inflictions like they goddamn should have. And for the sake of accuracy, Kevin will be sent to a juvenile detention center, kicking and screaming, for the two murders.