Okay, I want to preface this by saying that I absolutely know how awkward this is, but I also absolutely know what a douchebag is.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but they added a new “care” react button on Facebook? I guess with people dying en masse due to the pandemic, they thought that it would be less emotionally taxing than hovering between the sad face or love symbol for an hour.
I was creeping my old roommate’s social media because oh my god, I cannot stand him and well frankly I’m that bored with the lockdown. My friend and I started as we usually do, riffing on his profile pictures. I happen to know that he was cheating on his girlfriend with multiple women so it’s always fun to catch them passive aggressively fighting on there.
There we were, getting to the good stuff, when suddenly I lost grip of the popcorn bowl and boom this pathetic cancer announcement pops up with like, wayyyy too many people donating. Not to be a bitch, but he’s not even bald yet? Who even knows if it’s real? Last I heard from him, he took off after spending like $1,250 on new headshots despite owing me close to two grand for utilities. I guess I didn’t notice at the time but I went back to creep again today you know, to see if he’s bald yet or whatever and realized yup, you guessed it. I accidentally pressed the care react. Then as I’m staring at my laptop completely mortified, his bitchy ass mom tags me in a comment, “omg Meghan that’s so sweet! I know how much you both meant to each other! Will be looking forward to your kind words and donation!”
Keep in mind this woman tried to take me to civil court for moving her son’s literal trash from the shared space to the storage closet, no joke. I am not giving this family shit. I know it’s going to look horrible to our mutual friends. Especially the other roommates who I’m currently stuck in quarantine with, who actually care if he lives or dies for some reason, so please just toss me like $15.
I don’t even care that much. That stupid emoticon looks like Lenny from of Mice and Men accidentally strangling his pet rabbit by squeezing too hard. The Facebook team will probably get rid of it after enough satire sites rip on it anyway, until then I have to collect utilities from the other 4 roommates who actually DO pay. I refuse to lose any more money to this narcissist. I physically cannot bring myself to donate, unless the money is tied around a brick and thrown through his window.