Hi there everyone! As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, my trusted old Chevy finally gave out. I got it when I was at the ripe age of 30 and had the lovely lady for 22 years. That car had a long and happy life until it ended up in that canyon, and the leeches over at the insurance company have been no help in replacing my car, saying that I am committing “obvious fraud.” But I don’t speak lawyer, and probably neither do you, so I’ll be frank: I need to get a new car, simply because of circumstance, and I am turning to you for help. The car has to be practical, and that’s why I’ve decided on a simple, bright red Audi A5 Cabriolet convertible.
I’ve done extensive research and it simply seems like the perfect car to fit my needs. It’s got a sleek and compact design, which will help it fit nicely into the parking space assigned to my one-bedroom condo. The car is a four-seater, which will be useful when it comes time to drive my younger girlfriend and her roommates back to campus. It has “ambient interior lighting” which really is a must, because nobody wants to deal with the glare on the windshield when it’s your weekend and the goddamn kids are in the backseat with the lights on. And as an added plus, the heated steering wheel will be useful on cold days, because at my age, my circulation isn’t what it used to be (not where it counts, though. Jillian was lying about that in the divorce papers).
I apologize for how short a deadline there is on this particular fundraiser, but life is short, and oh my god, holy shit! Life is short! It’s too short! I’ll never be younger than I am right now! I’m not ready to die!