Hey guys, big ups to all of you for supporting my previous JumpKick, even beyond the requested amount! We all love pets, don’t we? But I got some bad news on that. While getting a pet rat for every child in Dayton, Ohio seemed like a great idea, we’ve run into some problems since the implementation.
First off, rats are terrifying to a lot of children and people, so almost everyone has released theirs back into the wild. And yeah, apparently there are different types of rats and some are not really cute or nice. I never had a pet rat, so I thought that they were all like Chuck E. Cheese, you know, dead-eyed and unsettling but always with a real heart of gold. And yes, someone told me that rats can chew through electrical wires, but I thought that they were just being an alarmist. However, with the electrical fires all over town and Kettering Tower a flaming inferno, I guess you were right, Josh.
Unfortunately, I don’t think that the National Guard paired with animal control is going to be able to rectify this quickly developing economic and ecological disaster. As with most issues, it is up to us—the common people of this country—to fix it, and thankfully, I’m just as confident in my plan as the last one.
Part of your generous donation will go towards funding enough rat poison to kill the rats 100 times over. The rest will be used to purchase a bi-plane crop duster that I myself will pilot in order to deliver the tragic but needed death blow to all of the rat population throughout Dayton. That way our city will finally be safe again.
And while I am sure this plan will resolve our current situation without unforeseen issues, I hope I can count on your future support on my next JumpKick if needed.