Have you ever thought about getting a longboard that doesn’t make you look like a complete fucking pussy? Do you wanna look radical cruising to your Gender Studies class, knowing that you have an electric brake that will ensure that you’ll never crash into a pole again? Your parents keep asking what you want for Christmas and this longboard gives you what you’ve always wanted: street cred.
We all know that the most important thing about a longboard is the art. Utilizing my board’s durable and stable wood, the bottom will barely touch the ground, so you won’t have to worry about ruining the badass image of a weed leaf above a buff shark with awesome flames underneath. Honestly though, fam, don’t even ride it—just walk around and hold it under your arm to show off your sick taste.
My longboard design has extra large soft wheels so that you can get around with absolutely no skill. It’s also specifically designed to do twisty-things so that everyone can see that you’re wearing Vans. With it’s electronic stop/go button, you won’t have to exert any effort into being a G.
Instead of looking like a pussy, you can finally get some pussy. This board is the ULTIMATE pussy magnet. If you ride this around your college campus while smoking a J, be prepared to get laid. A lot. But do NOT wear a helmet or you’ll ruin everything. Helmets are like condoms. Lame, and they only exist to make women feel safer.
Support my longboard if you want a real change in your life. We all know that Zumiez has awesome longboards, but with all of the effort I’ve put into de-pussifying it, mine is way cooler than any on their shelves. I still think that their cat t-shirts are fire, though.