If You Donate, I’ll Paint a Picture of Your Pet. This Usually Works Because Everyone Wants a Portrait of Their Dumb Fucking Cat

I’m looking to build an art studio in Maine that overlooks Acadia National Park. Why? Because I’m moving back in with my parents and there’s, like, nothing to do in Maine. I need your help to accomplish my dream because I was a Studio Art major at Bard College and just got fired from my barista job. Honestly, though, I’m pretty confident about how this is all gonna turn out. I know that you’ll donate because if you contribute $35 or more, I’ll paint a picture of the annoying fucking pet that you love so much.

Getting this project funded is going to be a cinch because I know that there are thousands of you who are absolutely dying for me to create a special little portrait of your cat that you can hang up in your living room and annoy your guests with. And I have no doubt that most will be cat people demanding that I capture the essence of their fuzzy feline friend who will never love them back.

I’ve made other JumpKicks before so I know that the whole cat portrait thing works, especially if the pet is dying. Nobody cared about the sob story about how art saved me when I needed photography equipment. But when I said that I’d paint pet portraits for people, I was drowning in requests for paintings of diabetic and wobbly legged house cats.

However, I will put everything into making these paintings, solely because I find it amusing when people see it and cry as if their cats didn’t cost them at least two leather couches and a Persian rug.

So if you can help me achieve my dream of creating my own art studio, I’ll make sure that I create the most beautiful painting of your shitty little pet that you strangely love more than your immediate family and friends.