Although my family lives in the same Colonial style home as everyone else in town, I believe that we are far more entitled to household essentials during this global crisis. Sure, my twelve-year-old son is a weed dealer, my daughter is thirty-three and living in our basement rent free, and my husband is a Wall Street banker with a porn addiction, but we’re still a good American family. For instance, I volunteer at the soup kitchen once per year with my son. My daughter once attended a feminist rally in New York City. My husband has helped a lot of wealthy people become wealthier.
Tragically, we are strapped for cash right now because of the insane amount of money that I’ve spent on bulk supplies. My kitchen cupboard and bathroom supplies closet are both bursting. I hope that you can sympathize enough with me, specifically, to donate to my family. Please help us make sure that we have enough toilet paper to last us through this.
The restrictions imposed by retailers to ensure that everyone has supplies has led to hardships in my family. I have gone from store to store with my son and forced him to stand on a different line to sneak around the stupid “one hand sanitizer bottle per person” rule. My daughter couldn’t even find Emergen-C at CVS. She got two cold sores this year, which shows that her immune system is compromised. Have a heart.
Your donations won’t go to waste as I will make sure to clear out all of the toilet paper shelves before anyone else. Every morning, I line up at the grocery store with all of the senior citizens. I’m only 56, but I just tell them that I forgot my ID and make a scene if they don’t let me in.