Hi. I need an excuse to bail on my friends’ dinner party tonight because I never had intentions in actually going when I agreed last Friday. My one sober friend suggested we do a keto-friendly taco night, and the idea caught on like wildfire in my friend group. Unfortunately for me, there is cam footage of my compliance in the situation as I was slightly tipsy and could not think for myself.
Now, the day has come, and I’ve already killed off three of my fake dogs to get out of prior get-togethers, so I can no longer rely on that excuse. I’ve told them my bus from work stopped suddenly because the driver quit his job on the spot, leaving us passengers stranded. I also told them my boss asked me to pull an all-nighter at the office to wipe some sensitive information off a floppy disk asap.
My “friends”, however, have had the gall to come up with a solution to every obstacle I’ve managed to think of. So now I’m resorting to my last option—human theft.
I am asking that you please help fund the hiring of a talented kidnapper trio to conveniently make me disappear around 6 pm, a little before this God-forsaken dinner plan is set to take place. Your contribution will not only ensure that my face is not seen at this somehow carb-less taco night, but that there is absolutely nothing my friends can do to convince me to go, as they will probably be desperately searching for my whereabouts.
According to the dark web, these guys know what they’re doing and request a fair price for their services, in my opinion. They guarantee that any victim of this crime I am consenting to will never be found, which is perfect. I do not want to hire anyone with less credentials. These guys have stolen Lady Gaga’s pugs before, so I know that they’re the real deal.
This is why I am hoping to reach my $60,000 goal within the next couple hours.
I don’t have a plan past the ransom note portion of the kidnapping (which I’ve already written and there’s no way my friends will be able to afford me back), but this morning, my friend group sent a text suggesting we follow up the night with karaoke, and honest to God, I’d rather be locked away in an undisclosed location, far outside the range of any law enforcement. I really hope you’ll donate as much as you can, fast.