I think I speak on behalf of many people that pants sizes are insultingly exclusionary. We’re forced to see these clothing ads all day, rubbing it in our faces that we’ll never live up to impossible beauty standards. What’s worse is when you get to the store and you’re dealt the additional indignity of trying on pair after pair of unflattering jeans and wishing it was the Great Depression so that you could get away with wearing a literal potato sack.
And I know that there are lots of guys out there thinking the same thing: why haven’t any designers made skinny jeans skinny enough for my skinny ass?
For too long, us thicc impaired have been saddled with skinny jeans that constrict our legs while simultaneously making it look like we’re wearing a sagging diaper. That’s why I’m developing an design for a jean that’ll accentuate what little curves our skeletal frames possess while simultaneously not crushing our balls.
I’m asking all my fellow ass-less companions to help me launch my startup clothing company, and if I can be honest, afford lessons on how to sew.
UPDATES:
October 11th 10:23 AM: Thank you for the early support! I don’t have anything designed yet per se, but I already have a few company name ideas. I’m trying to decide between Pancake Pants, Jordache-ish, or Reverse JNCO. Suggestions welcome!
October 16th 1:42 PM: ) OK, these early contributions are great because I looked into it and a sewing machine powerful enough to stitch denim is over a thousand bucks. As promised, I drew up some designs to prove that I am being totally serious about this endeavor:
As you can see from this design sketch, and you may have to use your imagination a bit here, the pants should fit snugly around your pelvis bones without constricting movement, and above all, make it look like you do 100 squats a day.
October 22nd 7:20 PM: I’m feeling good about hitting our goal, so I’ve gone ahead and maxed out a few credit cards to get all the supplies that I need to get started. I’ve tried a few designs so far, but I keep accidentally making mom jeans. Ass still looking concave, but I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakthrough.
November 2nd 6:44 PM: I’ve implemented my designs into some prototypes, and I think I’ve made some decent headway here:
I did make one pair that came near to perfection. I had my friend model them, and I will admit he looked. Too good. Suspiciously good. They had to be destroyed. So I’ve gone back to the drawing board. I know my final design will be ready when I alone can walk down the street and stop traffic with a 30-inch waist.
November 9th 12:01 PM: Come on guys, only $11,000 to go! I know these prototypes aren’t the greatest looking, but with the full campaign goal, I could probably use that to crank out at least one semester at Pratt Institute. Also, I really need to be able to pay for all this equipment. I’ve already blown through 15 sewing needles. I swear, trying to sew denim is like trying to stab a carpet over and over. But even if this fails (prove me wrong!), the world must know that we are not a one-design-fits-all world. We come in many shapes and sizes, and some of us make Jack Skellington look like Nicki Minaj.