My name is Chief Martin Brody of Amity Island and I need your help! I don’t have much time here but I need to fundraise a bigger boat fast. Long story short, a big fucking shark has been eating people in my town and I had to kill it but now I’m out on a small boat and the hungry bastard is ripping it to shreds as I write this. HELP!
I warned the captain that we needed a bigger boat but he didn’t listen and now he’s dead because Jaws bit him in half. I don’t want to be graphic but it was like when you squeeze a tube of toothpaste in the middle. I don’t wanna be toothpaste too!
I know that these crowdfunding things usually take a while and I don’t have much time. Maybe you could get your boat out here and then I jump on? I’ll pay you back somehow, I swear! Or just donate money if that’s easier. Anything to save me from this monster! Look, I know this is weird but I don’t have a lot of options left. If you can help me buy a bigger boat or rescue me ASAP, please do.
Also, for some reason this weird “dun dun… dun dun dun” noise keeps following me around. I’m scared it might be an ear problem that I need to see a doctor for… or maybe it’s all in my head. Either way, please make it stop!