Red. White. Red. White. Are you SICK and TIRED of the disgustingly limited color palette lining your grocery store’s wine aisle?
For far too long, Big Grape has imposed their draconian laws regarding what colors wine can be. I say, no more! This is why I’m starting my own vineyard, out from under the imposing thumb of the traditional wine industry—a safe place where rules, traditions, and health codes can’t touch us. My vino will be made with the best possible grapes the New Jersey Pine Barrens can grow. But why should you support us? First, consider some of the bold, exciting colors we’ll be producing:
Brown
At #4 with a bullet, we’ve got brown wine. Since many so-called “expert” Somalis like to fawn all over the “earthy” and “oaky” characteristics of wine, I figure what is more earthy than a thick, slightly chunky, dark brown wine?
Hot Pink
What a shame that there isn’t a pink-colored wine yet! This varietal would be an absolute hit with the ladies (“bachelorette party, girlfriends?!!”) and I figure this’ll be easy as shit to make if I just dump a bunch of Red 3 in some Riesling and then infuse it with Hubba Bubba.
Italian Hoagie
Admittedly, this is less of a color and more of a sandwich. I’m so hungry I keep hallucinating my fingers are 5 greasy little rolled-up slices of capicola. I definitely should have eaten something before sitting down to write this.
Bown (Revisited)
Brown wine is going to look like literal shit, isn’t it? Perhaps this color will help us cater to the sickos of the world, but now I fear it might be too niche.
What else sets us apart from the competition?
Grape-crushing: Not just for feet anymore.
Who says feet are the only body part you can use to crush grapes? At our vineyard – hands, torsos, hair, whatever – are all fair game. As long as it’s clean, you can use it to smoosh up fruit good.
Eco-friendly and Convenient.
No gross corks or wasteful glass bottles here – it’ll be nothing but twist-off caps and recycled 2 Liter Dr. Bob soda bottles.
Cocaine in the Wine
Every fifth batch of wine is mixed with just enough stepped-on coke to put the spring back in your slippers!
Ready to get started? With just a small donation now, together we can disrupt the stranglehold of the wine industry or die trying!