Every morning I wake up to the most horrific sound imaginable: my own thoughts. In my mind’s eye, I see scenes about my mortality, the ways that I’ve disappointed my family, and eternal damnation. This neighborhood is always absolutely silent. Too silent. Aggressively peaceful.
That’s when it hit me: wind chimes! Those cute little hanging pipes that produce such constantly annoying yet cute tones to distract attention from the fact that I’ve never truly given my heart to someone. Who doesn’t love a nice set of wind chimes? But I’m worried that one set isn’t enough, so I think I should get 6. I’ll hang them on all sides of the house to catch every wind stream around the building. This neighborhood will never have to experience the painful reflection of quietness ever again.
But why stop there? Fuck it, if I raise over $1,000, I’m going to also install a system of bird feeders and bird baths in my yards so as to attract hordes of singing birds to the area. There will be a drumline of bird shit hitting our cars to fill the gaps between wind chime choruses!
If I clear the $1,500 mark, I’ll also get some leaf blowers. Just blast those motherfuckers all day. Start at 7a.m., leave them running for a bit even after the sun goes down.
You know what? I could also ask my brother to come visit me for a while. I’m sure we’ll be screaming at each other mere minutes after he walks in. I bet everyone in the neighborhood will be able to hear our upsetting, very-politically-incorrect word choices. The way a neighborhood should be!
Our cozy little hamlet will never be tranquil again! Who’s with me?