Guys, I just found my dream woman.
I was cruising one of those websites where you can write letters to prisoners, and there she was. Stacy Sutherland. The ultimate b-a-b-e, BABE.
She’s a musician and an artist. She plays ukulele and makes abstract paintings. She’s trying to get her esthetician license. She has ambitions. She has goals. My goal? To buy her freedom and allow her to fall in love with me.
Sure, authorities said Stacy had traceable amounts of cocaine and more than double the legal limit of alcohol in her blood when they nabbed her for this third DUI. Sure, she was going 100 MPH in a 40 MPH zone. And sure, her Nissan did hit a teenager. But she’s just SO hot.
Obviously she likes to party and have fun. If I can meet her bail of one million dollars, then we don’t have to wait twenty-five years to start our life together.
Sure, when Stacy hit that teenager, he was dragged underneath the car for three miles before eventually going under the tires. Sure, the coroner isn’t clear when the kid died because the road shredded him like a cheese grater. And sure, Stacy finally crashed her car into a daycare for underprivileged children. But look at those tits, man.
I know the manslaughter thing isn’t cool, but the dude had run away from home. He was probably on drugs or doing something else unforgivable. But you know who needs forgiveness? Stacy Sutherland. I’ve seen Orange is the New Black, so I know what these girls go through.
Please help unite me with the girl of my dreams! We’ve never met yet, but I’m sure she’d be into me.