Hey man! We totally missed you at the party. It was a blast. I’m not going to pledge, but I see no reason to tell anyone at Tau Sigma that if they’re gonna keep giving me beer.
But, uh, anyways, sooooo… I met this chick from Conner Hall and we really hit it off. We ran the freakin’ pong table for like 45 minutes. She’s super cute and cool and likes Pulp Fiction.
And, uh. She’s right outside the door. Look, I know this is kind of a weird question but I was wondering if you could like, make yourself scarce tonight. Seriously, I NEED this. And I’ll never ask again… You will? SHIT, YES! THANKS! You rule!
Oh, uh, before you leave… any chance I could borrow a… umm. You know… I need a condom, dude. I know that the RA gave us some for free but I blew mine up like balloons and chased my German TA with it. I know you have some. And no, don’t give me that one in your wallet. It probably has ass-sweat via osmosis all over it.
Aaannnddd… o.k. this one is kinda embarrassing. Do you have any, like, way to reduce friction? Perhaps some prescription moisturizer? Look, I’ve never told anyone this, but my penis has extreme dehydration. Not only is it dry as a Utah tumbleweed, it actually dries out anything within a two-foot radius. If I’m finally going to lose my virginity tonight, I’m gonna need so, so much lube. An unconscionable amount of lube, one may say (if my solo training is any indicator).
Anyways, I really really appreciate it. You’re doing me a solid, and I will totally pay you back. I’ll comp you your next hungover brunch at the commons! If I’m working, of course.
Oh, shit! You wouldn’t happen to have a beekeeper’s outfit, would you? …Of course not. Worth an ask.