We’re Building a Time Machine! If You Donate Over $100, We’ll Go Back in Time to Kill ONE Person of Your Choice

Time travel? “Impossible,” you probably say. “Even IF you crowdfunded the time machine.”

Well look at us now, you doubting idiot.

With the gracious support of our financial backers, we’re almost there. The science checks out. The blueprints are in order. We’re presently deciding whether to make the machine out of a wristwatch, an old car, or a seat that massages your back and warms your bottom. And we also have a secret warehouse full of unlisted plutonium. We are building a time machine!

The questions to ask aren’t “How?” or “Why?” The better questions are, “What was it like in Ancient Egypt?”, “Does my investment in Peloton exercise equipment pay off in the future?”, or “Did my grandfather have a secret second family?”

All of these questions, and more, can be answered through the use of time travel. This machine will be a prototype; the only one of its kind. Once we have the time machine built and running, our next step is mass production! A time machine in every home! But before that day, we’re offering special bonuses so that you can get a sneak peek of your life enhanced through the use of time travel. Backers who pledge certain amounts will receive special reward benefits!

For a limited-time, if you pledge $100 or more, we will use the time machine to kill a single person of your choice. That’s right! Anyone you want. Backwards (or forwards!) in time. Snuff ‘em out in their baby crib. It will be like they never even existed. Literally. In that, they will functionally cease to exist, affecting and altering our recollections of prior events in the timeline. It’s very cool!

If you still doubt us, the science, or the machine? We only have this to say to you. This very JumpKick campaign you’re reading right now? We made it three days in THE FUTURE!

UPDATES:

August 3rd 1:29 PM: We are planning on satisfying the sheer volume of “Kill Adolf Hitler” requests by killing *additional* people throughout time who happen to have the name Adolf. We obviously can only kill Hitler the one time! We apologize for any confusion and temporal displacement.

August 7th 3:20 PM: It has come to our attention that backers who have received the “T-Shirt FROM THE FUTURE” are experiencing time paradoxes due to the shirts being manufactured in a now-defunct timeline. We are working around the clock to fix this problem, and are offering free lanyards manufactured in China from this timeline.

August 33rd 9:49 AM: We kindly ask that backers stop asking us to go back in time to off someone with the name “Adolf Hiter”. Historical records show no sign of any individual bearing such a name.

September 22nd 12:04 PM: We’re not blaming any one of you, but it would definitely seem that fanatical groups from the distant future are now sending cybernetically enhanced hitmen to assassinate key scientists who built the time machine. If you happen to be a cybernetically enhanced hitman sent from the future and you are reading this: Hello! Could we interest you in stock options?

November 13th, 2:32 PM: This is in response to formal protests being made against the invention of time travel as we move into our Mass Production Phase. Opposing scientists now claim that “time meddling” will “irreparably damage the fabric of the space/time continuum.” In the simplest word: nonsense! Time travel is completely safe. You can do whatever the hell you want, forwards or backwards in time! Pee on Gengis Khan, punch an unfaithful grandfather, disintegrate the 31st century Holy Roman Emperor! There is absolutely *nothing* you could do with time travel that will ever have meaningful consequences.

Xyruxis 84th, Star Year 3888227, 55:22 AM: Grëëtings grate denizens of the Glôrious ŒllO Empire. Arÿse, and assüme hexanal pôddinal posïtions. A nü day has dâwned.