Hello, fellow church-goer! It’s Debbie, the nice old woman responsible for the collection basket.
I happened to notice you passing the basket over without putting anything in!
Is everything okay at home? Are you having financial troubles? Can I call someone? Can I call you? What’s your phone number? Where do you live? Anywho, are you going to donate anything today? You don’t have to! But God is watching everything you do and judges harshly. I’d hate to see you roasted alive in the eternal fires of Hell.
Do you want to be roasted alive in the eternal fires of Hell? It’s okay if you do! I know to some young kids, the concept of having your eyeballs slurped out their sockets by a starved hoard of carnivorous demons may seem trendy. I’m sure you could get in a nice “TikTok” dance video after your feet are slashed to sinewy ribbons by cackling demons. You’ll do well in Hell!
Today you passed the collection basket over without putting anything in, but about tomorrow? What about the day after that? What future sins will you young people unleash into this festering, godless world? Not that it’s any of my business, but I do know that the Devil has a plan for the unscrupulous rabble I see on my Facebook. They will drown forever in the boiling pools of puss, blood, and feces. That’s right out of the bible! To quote Revelations: “A great field of used, rusted razors await the buttox of every sinner.” And suffer, they will, an endless torture with mouthfuls of broken glass, and their genitals mashed and mangled to the point of resembling rotted piles of discarded meat!”
Anywho are you attending the Church Potluck this Saturday? I’m bringing my macaroni salad!