Commune, I come to you with troubling news. I just came from a reading with Sheila, the alley way psychic, and she told me to expect a tragic accident next month! Normally I’d be super prepared for this, but I used up all of my healing crystals to realign my root chakra last week. So, I’m reaching out to you. Does anyone have any money they can spare? Karmically speaking, you will only experience good fortune if you are generous to me.
I vow to help any of you out if Sheila ever sees anything troublesome in the lifeline of your palm, but I won’t be able to do that if you don’t spot me some money for amethyst. Please, I’m a tragedy waiting to happen. You all have got to help me! This psychic commune has always been my biggest source of support, and I need you all now more than ever, financially that is.
My senses tell me that my tragic accident will come in the form of poison, in which case the only cure is opal. However, I’m also going sailing next week, so I should probably have some rubies on hand in case of a boating accident. Also, would anyone mind lending me some precious gemstones for the occasion as a back-up? I’m such an anxious mess about this prediction, so some weed, preferably indica, would be nice too.
When has Sheila ever been wrong about the future? It’s just that some of her predictions just haven’t happened yet, that’s all. And I forgot to mention, but she did say that the most effective defense against my impending accident is a shitload of gold. Please everyone, I’m begging you all. Give me money before the next full moon, or else I’ll be totally ill-prepared for my fate.