‘Sup! My name’s Tanner, and my goal is to get people to stop telling me that I have “white privilege” by raising enough money so that I can become more addicted to prescription amphetamines. Yeah, I know that I’ve been using Adderall since I was nine, but a heavier prescription drug dependency is the only way that I can refute my apparent “advantages” to those annoying social justice warriors.

I’m sick of people telling me that I’m privileged just because I’m a straight white male. The people who criticize me don’t even know that my school has to give me a $500 refund check for financial aid because my parents only make $110,000 per year combined. I would use the check to fund my Adderall addiction, but I need the money for my social life on the weekends because I’m an extravert who is prone to getting bummed out if I can’t chill with my homies.

People don’t understand that I’m diverse in ways other than being a straight white male—I participate in multiple extracurricular activities, such as lacrosse, the debate team, and I’m a member of Alpha Sig. Not only am I an Adderall fiend, but I also smoke hella weed and drink a fuck ton of Kratom. I have my shit. Like, for instance, my mom and dad almost got divorced after he cheated on her several times. That was pretty hard on me. Also, I was super close to getting arrested once for smoking a tobacco-heavy spliff in the woods which was scary.

If you give me money for my Adderall addiction, I promise to protect “privileged” white males everywhere by fueling the idea that a prescription drug dependency voids one of their so-called privileges.

UPDATE: So I was awake for 4 days straight and I ended up stealing a Stop sign…

Update 2: I kind of fucked up.