Shit, shit, shit, fucking, shit! I need to fly to Egypt tonight so I can return this ancient amulet to the tomb of Queen Khufu and lift the mummy’s curse! Please help me buy a plane ticket (preferably first class) and save mankind from untold doom and destruction. There’s no time for questions! We must act NOW!
Recently, I decided to reward myself for completing a 75-hour online real estate license course with an all-expenses-paid, week-long trip to Egypt. And while the pyramids were awe-inspiring and majestic and all that bullshit, me and my boy Cheddar decided to sneak off the regular-ass pleb tour and play Indiana Jones in the pyramid for a couple hours. I didn’t even remember swiping the amulet until I found it under my Civic’s front seat three weeks ago.
Yes, technically I found the amulet a while ago, and now I’m rushing around at the 11th hour. But you need to understand—I was busy doing stuff.
“But the amulet should have been your top priority.” And yeah, maybe you’re right that because I greased this dusty, old amulet, the world economy is on the verge of collapse, far right ideologies are gaining ground throughout the West, and climate change has already begun decimating our coastlines. But you gotta understand—my buddy “The Wedge” only turns 30 once. And his b-day party last week was a RAGER.
Thank you and bless you. Also, there’s an outside chance that I was high on benzos my whole Egypt trip and the amulet is just a kiddie toy I purchased at the pyramid gift shop. But let’s not risk it, folks!