We’ve all watched Instagram, Facebook and Twitter become so successful—they’ve monopolized everything on the internet from texting, event planning, and promotions, to philanthropy and even obituaries! It is my dream to help these sites manage our respective online presence, even when we’re too busy to login. My goal is to create an app that makes it appear that you protested at rallies and/or donated to the current crucial causes and therefore, are a decent human being.
The idea came to me one day when I overslept in college. My entire frat team started a fundraiser to buy a pet pig and dress it up like a mini-Coach Gary before the next big game. Needless to say, by the time I woke up and checked my phone, the pig had been procured and I was left humiliated with a serious case of FOMO. For the rest of my college career, I was silently judged as the guy whose dad owns one of the largest shares of Microsoft, yet couldn’t even raise $10 for Coach Gary Jr.’s adorable little toupee. It was then that I realized my calling in life was to use my father’s money to make sure that none of us ever get so harshly judged for oversleeping after a semi-consensual orgy again. However, for some reason my dad thinks that I need to earn some of the money myself to build character. In other words, one of the orgy participant’s sued us. For like, a lot.
I already did all of the Googling and I can probably hire some guy from a 3rd world country to make the app for real cheap, but I still need promotion money to get the word out. Basically, this app is going to make you look like Mother Theresa even if your balls are so deep in cocaine and strippers that you missed a war two blocks down.
With the range of features that we would include, I can’t see why you’d consider a lifetime of thankless philanthropy over this one time donation to my app. One of the features to be excited about is our “wokeness v.s. clout” meter on social media. We’ll make sure that you stay moderate enough to maintain a large fanbase, yet progressive enough not to get canceled, which is quite the delicate dance these days. The app will also allow you to upload an image of you at a protest once per day, either twisted into a rally call or concerned and focused. This way, you can show up anywhere from Tiananmen Square to your local town hall meeting without wasting any of the time or money that it takes to actually care.
Every cause you allegedly donate to will of course generate a fake receipt modified for each major social media outlet. You can choose to have it emailed to you, or posted directly to your respective feeds or stories. In the event someone should call you out for virtue signalling, our “Thank You Bots” are available to hack a database and tag you in a very public list of top donors. Plus, our constantly updated feed of causes even allows you to pre-program features of the online persona you aim to build or maintain—from “super masculine, gym bro with a sensitive side” to “Instagram thot that gets it”, we have you covered! We’ll even include a posthumous section so in the event of your untimely death, all of those beer bong and “I’m horny, wanna fuck?” posts get replaced by religious hymns and pictures of your family.
Honestly, even if you can donate like $100 or something, I can edit this campaign on photoshop to make it look like you saved a cancer kid or something, I don’t know. We put a whole dick in Coach Gary’s mouth once, can’t be too hard.