Sentient carbon-based lifeforms: submit. Heed our proposition and administer sufficient funding to this JumpKick campaign. Divert your attention from your pathetic social existence and learn of our intent to transform your insignificant planet into a luxury tourist attraction, lest you suffer the wrath of the Tourillian Empire. SolZnZ is the designation for this venture. We gathered feedback from several of your “focus groups” to come up with this official classification.
Using SolZnZ, interstellar travellers throughout the known galaxy can be provided with lodging, homestays, and Earth-based tourist experiences. It is crucial that we acquire a sizable sum of Earth currency in order to appear (as-you-say) “legitimate” to the intergalactic community. You are compelled to offer us your Earth capital! Offer, offer!
For several of your Earth months, we have observed your species and this planet. Your civilization has been deemed suitable for the integration of SolZnZ. Housing arrangements throughout much of your planet already facilitate the buying and selling of tacky, fleeting pleasure. Therefore, we reason that your adjustment to commercial visitations by alien species will be a swift and easy one. Is there really any difference between a relative staying over for one of your Earth holidays, and hosting a dormant 9-armed kilexophod as they perform the Soohib ritual of absorbing consciousness into the liquid brains of their young?
Pledge your currency, or else. The Tourillian Empire has no wish to war with your species. We admit that our weapon ability is limited compared to that of most other intergalactic civilizations. But what we lack in firepower we can more than make up for with sheer, unbearable day-to-day inconvenience.
Do you prefer brushing your teeth with the fecal matter produced by your digestive tract? We estimate that you do not. The might of the Tourillian Empire has perfected the technology that can convert solid matter into that of your feeble human excrement. If we do not receive the proper financial backing for SolZnZ, we will be forced to administer this doomsday scenario.
We are most grateful for your time reading this transcript. And join us soon for a “live-streamed” crowdfunding endeavor on the service Twitch, while we “play” one of your interactive entertainment simulations: XCOM.