I’m sure that a lot of you saw the news last night: Tom Malarkey’s house burned down, every last bit reduced to ash and ember in an inferno that raged on until early this morning… and yet, it gets even worse. That no-good son of a bitch wasn’t even home, and now our devastated community is asking for your help to do what only it knows how: locate Tom, root him out, and wipe that smug little bastard from the face of the Earth.
Remember, every bit of generosity counts! Your “measly” $1 is another threatening letter we can mail; a “mere” $10 is another half-hour of unpaid leave one of us can take to wait outside the Denny’s parking lot and see if he comes out, and a humble but generous $20 is that much more legal representation that we can hire to prove that this motherfucker had it coming.
UPDATE: The attorneys at Edwin Schneider & Associates were so repulsed after hearing our story that they’ve taken on the case pro bono!
Now, I understand not everybody knows Tom personally, but I can assure you he’s touched nearly each and every one of us in some way over the years, be it in that fraudulent frozen yogurt startup you saw FBI warnings about, the Ponzi scheme aimed at the local elderly, or quite literally by pinching me in the ass at every tee ball game. And now, as God is my witness, that rotten piece of shit is going to suffer the crowdfunded wrath of pitchforks, blunt force objects, and any verbal assault of your choice for just a $2 donation!
STRETCH GOALS:
– $25,000: We’ll shoot an HD video of his brutal meeting with justice and post it on Instagram!
– $30,000: We’ll bring one of our kids who knows how to hold the camera horizontally.
Thank you so much for your support. It means the world!
Sincerely,
Kate Malarkey, family, and friends