Help! I read that stupid book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, by Marie Kondo and it absolutely RUINED my life. I thought that throwing out everything that “doesn’t spark joy” would be a path to enlightenment, but guess what? I’m still fucking depressed! Please help me buy back all my meaningless possessions!
It took the will power of one thousand stallions to throw away my “Spice Girls World Tour” crop top, but as I watched that precious 90’s tee sink to the bottom of the donation bag, I felt absolutely nothing. No vindication whatsoever. Now, I’m going to have to raid every Goodwill in a twenty mile radius to find it! I absolutely BEG you to give me $7 so I can buy it back!
This evil book encouraged me to throw away anything that didn’t make me too nostalgic. Well, there was nothing sentimental about my furniture because I got most at IKEA or on Amazon so I got rid of it ALL. You have to help me buy my bed back. Without it, I’m not only depressed, but depressed with nowhere to lie down when I want to weep endlessly into the void. Can you also pitch in a few extra dollars to help me re-purchase my collection of cactus-themed throw pillows? They’re utterly impractical but I miss their vibe.
I may have taken this whole “get rid of everything that doesn’t bring you joy” thing too far. I even divorced my sweet wife and now she is suing me and taking the dog! I’m going to need at least $60 to buy her flowers and a cake that says “Take Me Back! This Was All Marie Kondo’s Fault!”
Looks like I’ll be depressed whether I’m surrounded by useless capitalistic possessions or not. Unless… would you mind donating some extra money for me to see a therapist?